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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25779403">What's This Feeling?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/episode342/pseuds/episode342'>episode342</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Betrayal, F/M, Fix-It, Friends to Enemies, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, my own take on tybw because we deserved better, sternritter!ichigo, this is very sad don't expect anything fluffy, to lovers hopefully</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:35:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,741</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25779403</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/episode342/pseuds/episode342</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There aren't many moments in her life where Rukia had experienced genuine shock. </p><p>Not until now. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Abarai Renji &amp; Kuchiki Rukia, Inoue Orihime/Ishida Uryuu, Ishida Uryuu &amp; Kuchiki Rukia, Ishida Uryuu &amp; Kurosaki Ichigo, Ishida Uryuu/Kuchiki Rukia, Kuchiki Rukia/Kurosaki Ichigo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. shock (it's always the ones you love the most)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>state of shock: experiencing a sudden usually unpleasant or upsetting feeling because of something unexpected.</em>
</p><p>There aren't many moments in her life where Rukia had experienced genuine shock. Although, she had lost her friends when she was young, was adopted by a stranger who she later found out was her brother in law, and killed her possessed mentor with her own hands. </p><p>Add to that her short stay in the world of the living, where she was forced to interact with humans and their customs despite not knowing very much about them outside of what was taught in the shinigami academy. </p><p>However as tragic as they were, most, if not all, of these circumstances she saw coming before they happened. She knew her chances of surviving in Rukongai weren't that high. She knew Byakuya hid things from her. She knew Kaien's fate had been sealed the moment he decided to go after the hollow who killed his wife. Rukia was able to grow because of these experiences, and she was thankful for how much they prepared her for the Arrancar war and her promotion to lieutenant. </p><p>None of those, however, could prepare her for the absolute shock of seeing her best friend on the opposite side of the field, nearly two years since she had last made contact with him. </p><p>Parting ways from Ichigo was <em>hard</em>. She had tried hard to be strong for him, avoiding shedding any tears in front him and even tried cheering him up, assuring him she would always be there to look out for him. But the look in his eyes as he saw her fade away was her breaking point. She was glad Inoue, Ishida and Chad made no comment when she turned around and left, she was even more grateful her brother and Renji gave her time to grieve.</p><p>She was quick to get back on her feet though, <em>she had to be</em>, for Ichigo wasn't dead and she hoped they would see each other again someday. </p><p>But not like this. </p><p>The Quincy had been ruthless. Completely destroying the Sereitei within the first minutes of their invasion. Rukia could feel countless of shinigami's spiritual pressures disappear, among them her own comrades and friends. She stood her ground as the enemy approached her, though she wasn't foolish enough to think she'd get out of this unharmed even if she had grown stronger over the years.</p><p>It was her brother's sudden drop of spiritual pressure that sent panic down her spine. All she could think about was that she needed to reach him, that her brother couldn't lose, <em>not him</em>. </p><p>It was a rookie mistake, turning her back on her enemy. The man facing her wasn't particularly strong, not in the level of Aizen or his Espada but he didn't hesitate in his attacks like they did. He would have split her in two had it not been for the very familiar presence making itself known and stopping him from killing her with that one blow.</p><p>Rukia froze, and one look at Ichigo was enough to tell her something was awfully wrong. He was clad in white, the exact same uniform as her opponent. His hair was longer, similar in length to his look after returning from his final Getsuga training. Tensa Zangetsu laid against his hip, adorned with an unnatural blue pattern around its blade. </p><p>Rukia could only stare as Ichigo directed his attention at her. </p><p>"Watch where you land, bastard," said the Quincy Ichigo had interrupted. Rukia had momentarily forgot about his existence. </p><p>Ichigo's eyes never left Rukia's, "My bad, I didn't see you."</p><p>The Quincy scoffed and moved towards Ichigo, the latter raising his hand and signaling him to stop, "I got this. You may leave."</p><p>"I was here first."</p><p>Finally, Ichigo broke eye contact, his voice a warning, "And now I'm here, so leave before I remind you who Yhwach's successor really is."</p><p>The man left without a word, but Rukia imagined it was the mention of their leader that made him leave and not Ichigo himself. </p><p>"You can put down your sword, Rukia. He's not going to hurt you."</p><p>
  <em>He's not the one I'm concerned about.</em>
</p><p>"You look...well, that's provably not very appropriate given the <em>situation</em>. But that's a lieutenant's badge right?" he pointed, "Congrats. You deserve it."</p><p>His voice was his own. Rukia had no doubts this was Ichigo, her Ichigo. And yet...</p><p>"How are you here?" she managed to get out, though it sounded more like a whisper than anything else. </p><p>He scoffed. "To save you, of course. A thank you would be nice."</p><p>"I said how, not why. What the hell is going on, Ichigo? Why are you wearing that?" she demanded. She was trembling in fear, but she was a lieutenant, <em>damn it</em>, she couldn't cower like a little girl anymore.</p><p>"Oh. I'm personally not a fan of white, that's more of an Ishida thing," at the mention of their friend, Rukia held back a gasp. <em>Was he also here? Was he on their side too?</em></p><p>Ichigo smiled, but it felt wrong, "But I feel good. Better than I had felt for a long time." There was a hidden meaning behind his words and Rukia hated how much it stung. </p><p>"Ichigo-" she tried, only for the knot in her throat to make it harder to speak, "Why?"</p><p>"Why?" he chuckled. "Why what?"</p><p>"You're...you're with them? Why?" she begged for him to deny it. To admit he was just playing a part, that this wasn't real. That he wasn't here to hurt the very same people he lost everything to protect. </p><p>"Why?" he repeated, his tone sharper, the smile completely wiped from his face. "You of all people should know why. I was powerless, Rukia. For nearly two years. I lost everything. I couldn't protect anybody anymore. I gave everything up to protect you, to protect Soul Society. I defeated Aizen, I saved this place. And for what? For them to throw me away, as if I was worth nothing to them? Is that the the gratitude I deserved?!"</p><p>"You never asked for anything in return, that's not who you are," she shot back, unshed tears threatening to fall out. She was angry. This wasn't Ichigo speaking to her, it was a complete idiotic fool who needed help. </p><p>"That's exactly it, Rukia! I never asked for anything," he took a step closer and she raised her sword. She noticed his eyes widen ever so slightly but he stopped nonetheless, "It was because I never asked for anything that I thought that maybe, just maybe, you would find a way to bring my powers back to me. I was naive to think you'd come back. That you cared enough to do something about it."</p><p>She wanted to yell at him, scream and kick and <em>beg</em> him to stop saying those words to her. He wasn't himself, Ichigo would never hurt her like this. He would rather hurt himself than ever cause his friends any sort of harm. But she couldn't speak, couldn't utter a single word. Her shaking never seized, even when she felt the hard droplets of rain fall from the sky and onto her face. </p><p>"They failed you too, Rukia. Your own brother, Renji, they all wanted you dead. All you did was save a family from a hollow attack and you were sentenced to death for it!" Once again, he walked towards her and this time she couldn't stop him. She felt his hands on her shoulder blades and his eyes piercing hers, trapping her so that all she could do was look back at him and listen. </p><p>"I can save you but you need to leave now. Go to Karakura, find Urahara. He'll keep you safe. I won't let anyone get to you. I can protect you, Rukia, but you need to leave now."</p><p>He was begging and yet...</p><p>"What about my brother? What about Renji? What about Soul Society? They trusted you, Ichigo! They-"</p><p>"You can't save everyone, Rukia. You know this."</p><p>Kaien's face came into mind. Ichigo was right, she couldn't save everyone but she could sure damn <em>try</em>. </p><p>She pulled away from him, removing his hands from her and stepping back. She noticed the look of hurt in his eyes, but he was quick to mask it. </p><p>"Leave, Rukia," he whispered, "Because the next time I see you, you won't have this choice anymore."</p><p>Before Rukia could respond, she was pulled away by someone, leaving behind a huge explosion where she stood before Ichigo. </p>
<hr/><p>Ichigo barely managed to pull back before getting hit face first by a massive explosion. </p><p>"Damn it! I almost had her!" called a fellow Quincy as she gracefully landed beside Ichigo. </p><p>Ichigo looked at the woman in disbelief, "What the hell, Bambietta? You could've hit me!"</p><p>"You were the one fraternizing with the enemy, ginger. Maybe I should've actually aimed for you."</p><p>"I wasn't," he told her, patting the dust off his uniform.</p><p>"Sure you weren't. I was sent here to get you, by the way. His Majesty just killed the Captain Commander."</p><p>Ichigo stopped his movements, "I see. Then we better get going."</p>
<hr/><p>"Get off me!" she shrieked and kicked, causing both her and whoever pulled her away from Ichigo to fall hard on the rubble below them. </p><p>It wasn't until she was on the ground and raised Sode no Shirayuki that she was able to get a good look at the person.</p><p>Clad in a black cloak, Ishida Uryuu held a hand to his bloody lip.  </p><p>"Ishida-kun!"</p><p>Uryuu stood up, cleaning the blood off his hand and on the cloak, "It's fine. I apologize for not alerting you first. Urahara-san advised me to be quick.</p><p>At the mention of Kisuke Urahara, Rukia's back straightened up, "Urahara? What's going on? Where are Inoue and Chad?"</p><p>"They're fine," Uryuu said, his voice sporting a tone of hurry, "They're in Hueco Mundo with Yoruichi-san too. We need to head over there. I'm afraid I was too late."</p><p>"Too late for what?"</p><p>"The Sternritter have begun their attack, Ichigo is planning to kill the Soul King."</p><p>There aren't many moments in her life where Rukia had experienced genuine shock. </p><p><em>Not until now.</em> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. grief (we don't always get to mourn in peace)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>She remembered Ichigo, his betrayal fresh on her mind.</p><p>She remembered her brother, the exact moment she felt him die. </p><p>She wanted to mourn, to scream and cry and die. Die inside this nightmare so she could wake up and realize this wasn't happening. It couldn't be.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Uryuu didn’t know Rukia Kuchiki very well, not as well as the others did. He didn't bicker around with her like Ichigo or open to her like Inoue. And to be fair, he never actually went out of his way to get close to her. After all, she was a shinigami and he was quincy. And even though he knew she was a good person, it was hard for him to let go of the grudge he had against the same species that exterminated his own.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> It wasn't out of the realm of possibility, but he needed time. </span></p><p>He didn’t hate her though. She was intelligent, more often than not the voice of reason on their group. And as much as everyone liked to say Inoue was the most pure hearted and kind out them all, he had to admit the shinigami was very forgiving and understanding too. It wasn't naivety but loyalty. </p><p>He didn't quite understand it considering she was just as much of victim of the faulty system as the quincy were.</p><p>There was a time when he wondered if she ever truly forgave her people for letting her down but he never allowed himself to dwell much on it. It wasn’t any of his business anyway.</p><p>It is because he didn’t know her on a personal level, that he was unable to read her in this exact moment. He allowed her a moment to process the news: Ichigo had betrayed the shinigami and was planning to disrupt the balance of the worlds by killing the Soul King.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> There wasn't any buts or what if, and he was grateful she understood that and didn't question him further. (He figured Ichigo had answered most of her questions anyway)</span></p><p>In fact, Rukia hadn’t said a thing, and the long silence where Uryuu usually found peace had become almost too deafening and uncomfortable for him to handle.</p><p>“Kuchiki-san,” he called out to her. He noticed her startle at the sound of his voice but her eyes remained glued to the ground below them.He sighed, he hadn’t expected this from her. He shouldn’t have underestimated what her reaction would be considering how much she cared about Ichigo, “I know this is hard—“</p><p>“I need to go find my brother,” she finally said.</p><p>“Kuchiki-san... I understand you’re upset but we need to head to Hueco Mundo with the others. It isn’t safe here.”</p><p>Rukia shook her head, her eyes meeting his, “No, you don’t understand. I have to find my brother... and Renji. I <em>have</em> to find them.”</p><p>The urgency in her voice made him anxious. They didn’t have time for this. The Sternritter had retreated but they could be back any minute. He had to get her out of here.</p><p>
  <em> <span class="Apple-converted-space">Besides Byakuya Kuchiki was already...</span> </em>
</p><p>“Kuchiki-san, listen to me, please—“</p><p>“Ishida," she interrupted and he almost winced at her tone, <em>almost</em>, "I’m sorry. But I won’t leave them behind. You will allow me to go find them or you can head back to Hueco Mundo on your own.”</p><p>It was impressive how much control she had over her own emotions. Where she once appeared desperate and broken, now she carried herself with a sense of authority. He had no doubt she was struggling to cling onto sanity right now and he found he respected her for it.</p><p>“Okay,” he sighed, nodding. “Okay, Kuchiki-San. We’ll look for them."</p><p>“Thank you...” she whispered to him, though the tremble of her lip did not go unnoticed.</p><hr/><p>It wasn’t hard to find Abarai’s spiritual pressure. What was difficult, though, was moving through the dead and ignoring the pleas of those breathing their last breath. Uryuu was no stranger to war, but the path of destruction Sosuke Aizen ruthlessly built paled in comparison to the thousands of corpses the Sternritter left behind.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Unseated and seated officers alike laid lifeless below them, most missing limbs, others almost unrecognizable from all the blood coating their faces and bodies.</span></p><p>He felt sick, embarrassed. The Quincy were supposed to be his people. They were <em>supposed</em> to be dead. And though Soul Society had caused them much harm in the past, it didn't justify this body count. </p><p>“<em>This is wrong</em>,” he whispered to no one in particular.</p><p>After a few minutes, they arrived at their destination. The remaining Shinigami were all stationed in the Squad 4 barracks, currently used as an infirmary for the wounded. He wondered where the dead were being stored, if their bodies would ever be collected. If there would be any bodies to collect once the Sternritter returned.</p><p>
  <em>We need to hurry up.</em>
</p><p>Uryuu followed after Rukia as she shoved her way to Abarai. The red haired lieutenant was leaning awkwardly on his right arm, bandages covering the left side of his face and blood showing through the ones on his abdomen.</p><p>“Rukia!” he wheezed as the shorter shinigami launched herself at him.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> They embraced for a mere second before he pulled away, probably wincing from the pain he felt all over. </span></p><p>Uryuu turned to give them privacy, though found he didn’t know anyone else enough to make conversation while Rukia and Renji caught up.</p><p><span class="Apple-converted-space">Sensing his discomfort, Rukia was quick to get to the point, pulling away from her friend nervously, </span>“Renji, where’s my brother? I felt— I felt his spiritual pressure disappear. Where is he?”</p><p>Abarai stiffened up and broke eye contact, “R-Rukia.." and Uryuu didn't like where this was going. But Rukia knew, she <em>knew</em> and she <em>still</em> asked. "He— I’m... I’m sorry.”</p><p>Uryuu felt Rukia’s heart break before he heard her scream, the roaring sound of complete and utter <em>grief</em>. The strong fort she struggled to build at the wake of Ichigo’s betrayal crumbled down in seconds at the sudden news of her brother’s death.</p><p>Uryuu should’ve told her, should've spared her the trip here. After all he had felt Byakuya Kuchiki die and was sure she did too. He couldn’t blame her for clinging onto even the smallest hope he had survived and he didn’t envy Abarai for being the messenger of these news. </p><p>At the very least, Uryuu was glad he was there to catch Rukia in his arms as she passed out.</p><hr/><p>The discomfort continued as he was led into a room at the first division barracks. For a moment he thought they meant to trap him, probably thinking he was also an enemy. But the gotei 13 was weak, with at least half of their forces rotting in the battlefield. If he was a Sternritter, they would already be dead. </p><p>But they didn't attack, nor did they imprison him. Instead, he found himself in what appeared like a meeting room with several captains and lieutenants present, though the absence of the rest didn't go unnoticed. </p><p>Among the missing were Head Captain Yamamoto, lieutenants Sasakibe and Kira, Byakuya Kuchiki, Kenpachi Zaraki and both Abarai and Captain Unohana who had stayed behind in the infirmary to care after Rukia and the rest of the wounded. </p><p>Captain Soifon was quick to shoot him a glare, and soon after others joined her. He was grateful Captain Kyoraku's voice broke through the tension like a knife against butter. </p><p>"Before anybody gets any ideas, Uryuu Ishida is not an enemy."</p><p>Uryuu had briefly explained the situation to the man as they made their way here. </p><p>"He was sent here by Kisuke Urahara to alert us about the attack. Unfortunately the Sternritter completely blocked off communication and transport to and from other realms, that includes the world of the living and Hueco Mundo." </p><p>He looked at Uryuu then, indicating it was his turn to speak. The quincy cleared his throat and stepped forward to face everyone, "Urahara-san was able to break through their barriers, but determined it was still too risky to send a message, so he thought it better to send someone here. He let me borrow his cloak in order to hide my presence from the other Quincy. I came here alone but it was already too late."</p><p>"He sent a kid on his own? Why not an Arrancar or even better, Yoruichi Shihoin? She is much faster and practical. They are still acquainted, are they not?" Kensei Muguruma asked, his arms crossed against his bandaged chest.</p><p>Uryuu nodded, "They are. But Yoruichi-san was unavailable. She was assigned to look for the remaining Espada to get a clear picture of what had happened there."</p><p>"Which was?" asked Jushiro Ukitake, sweat dripping from his forehead. He looked much paler than he usually did. Uryuu tried not to stare. </p><p>"Tier Harribel, who was appointed queen of Hueco Mundo, was taken hostage by Yhwach and his army. Her fraccion were also defeated. Hueco Mundo was their first target before coming here," Uryuu explained. </p><p>Shinji Hirako snickered, "Hold on, you said Kisuke sent <em>you</em>. But I felt Ichigo Kurosaki's spiritual pressure way before yours. I thought his shinigami powers were long gone."</p><p>Uryuu froze as the entire room's undivided attention was on him. </p><p>
  <em>No use keeping it a secret.</em>
</p><p>"Ichigo Kurosaki has joined Yhwach and his Sternitter. He, too, is a Quincy. He has turned on us all."</p><p>For a lingering moment, there was nothing but cold silence before all hell broke loose. </p><p>"That bastard did what?!"</p><p>"What do you mean he joined Yhwach?"</p><p>"A Quincy?!"</p><p>"Silence!" roared Sajin Komamura, effectively shutting them all up. "Let the boy explain, for spirits sake!"</p><p>Uryuu sighed, he hoped Kisuke Urahara wasn't expecting him anytime soon.</p><hr/><p>Rukia woke up with a terrible migraine and for nearly 10 whole seconds had no idea what events had transpired and led to this point. </p><p>The heart wrenching feeling of absolute grief replaced the confusion, and her eyes immediately filled with tears. </p><p><em>This isn't happening. </em>She felt her throat close up, and her chest rise and fall at an alarming speed. She gagged and heaved.</p><p>She was having a panic attack. She couldn't even remembered when she last had one of those. </p><p>It was Renji's voiced that broke through her panic and his hand on hers that halted her motions. "You're awake, Rukia. You're okay."</p><p>
  <em>What part of this is okay?</em>
</p><p>"You're panicking," her friend stated the obvious and she found that although she loved him very much, she would really appreciate punching him in the face. </p><p>Instead, she let out a long, tired breath she'd been holding in and wiped at her eyes. "Where's Ishida?"</p><p>Renji sighed, relieved she sounded more calm than she looked, "Captain Kyoraku took him, they're having a meeting about... <em>well</em>, whatever the hell just happened."</p><p>"The Quincy attacked us, Renji. What else is there to have a meeting about?"</p><p>She absolutely loathed how annoyed she sounded, but gods she had <em>every</em> right and <em>the damn migraine just doesn't stop.</em></p><p>She remembered Ichigo, his betrayal fresh on her mind. He had begged her to leave, to save herself and leave everyone behind. He humiliated her, insulted her and he had done so willingly. </p><p>
  <em>"Next time I see you, you won't have this choice anymore."</em>
</p><p>She remembered her brother, the exact moment she felt him die. <em>Her brother. </em></p><p>She wanted to mourn, to scream and cry and die. Die in this nightmare so she could wake up and realize this <em>wasn't</em> happening. </p><p>"Rukia," once again Renji's voice broke through inner thoughts, "You said- you said Ichigo's name just now."</p><p>Rukia actually laughed, a short, dry,<em> angry</em> laugh. "He's with them, Renji."</p><p>And that was it. Saying it aloud made it real and Rukia couldn't, she just <em>couldn't</em> anymore. </p><p>She sobbed, her hand covering her mouth in a sorry attempt to silence her cries. It was futile. </p><p>"I lost him, Renji. I lost him again. And this time I don't know if I'll ever get him back."</p><p>She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and saw Renji offer her a sad smile. </p><p>
  <em>Why are you not angry? Why are you not heartbroken like I am?</em>
</p><p><em>He doesn't love him like you do</em>, responded an ugly voice inside her head. It sounded too much like her own. Like Kaien's. Like Aaroniero's. Like Ichigo's. Like all of them at once.</p><p>"You will."</p><p>If Rukia noticed her friend use <em>you</em> instead of <em>we</em>, she didn't say any a damn thing. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so... i decided to make this a series! i kinda have a vague idea where this is going but it might change along the way, so fasten your seatbelts bc it will be a bumpy ride.</p><p>also! notice how i updated the tags? there are several pairings mentioned (I know) but worry not, the endgame is still ichiruki unless you all end up hating ichigo a bit too much by the end. </p><p>i sure as hell do now! thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>big thanks to the espada gc on twitter for this idea! lemme know if i should make this into a series</p></blockquote></div></div>
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